There are many diets in the world, but most of them fail for the simple reason that they use the wrong kind of mathematics. Simple logic suggests that food choices based only the arithmetic of
Pounds Lost = (Calories Used – Calories Eaten)/3200
are insufficient for good health. The math is just too elementary! If you want an Advanced Diet, you need to use Advanced Mathematics! Now with the power of Theorems.
The Harmonic Diet
If you’re a person who starts off strong but has trouble sticking to a plan, this is the diet for you! On the first day, lose 1 pound. Tough, but possible with that initial surge of motivation. On the second day, lose 1/2 pound. On the third day, lose 1/3 pound. On the fourth day, lose 1/4 pound, etc. As your motivation wanes, so will your weight loss; however, thanks to the power of Calculus you are guaranteed to eventually reach your goal weight. One of the amazing features of this diet is that it will still work even if you don’t start with the 1-pound loss: you can just as easily jump in on Day 3 or whichever day suits your fancy.
The Zeno Diet
Endorsed by Ancient Greek Philosophers everywhere, this plan is perfect for the daytime snacker! Start by choosing a total number of calories that you’d like to consume in a day: say, 1000 calories. Your first meal should be 500 calories; after all, breakfast is the most important meal of the day, and skimping is unwise. Your second meal can be whatever you want, whenever you want: just be sure to limit it to 250 calories. Want another snack? No problem! Treat yourself to any 125 calorie food. Your next tidbit can be 62.5 calories, the next 31.2 [no rounding up!] and so on. With this diet plan you can snack as many times as you want, and you’ll never exceed (or even reach!) your total allotted calories.
The Banach-Tarski Diet
This diet uses the power of Set Theoretic Geometry to help those people who want larger portion sizes. Start with small amounts of your favorite foods. Roll each item into a ball and grab a sharp knife. Then cut each ball into 5 pieces and reassemble into two balls OF THE SAME SIZE! Repeat as desired.
The Fibonacci Diet
Is your focus more on healthy eating than actual calories? The Fibonacci Sequence 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 8, 13, … is more than just a fancy way to convert between miles and kilometers: you can arrange your entire plan around these special numbers. Break your eating into 3 meals with 2 snacks. Make sure each meal is made up of 1/2 carbohydrates,1/3 protein, and1/5 fat.
It’s OK that the amounts add up to more than 1, because THIS diet was based on a Bestselling Novel and is featured both in Women’s World Magazine in 2006 and in the book The Diet Code: Revolutionary Weight Loss Secrets from Da Vinci and the Golden Ratio by Stephen Lanzalotta, which you can buy for as little as 13¢. Now that’s value.
In a fortunate coincidence, Walking Randomly makes all of this even easier by showing show to use Wolfram Alpha to compute calories.